I have questions.I suppose a purist might say that a sub doesn't get to ask questions, but I'm a novice, and I have questions,and I'm ready to ask anyone who might have answers.I'm not "in the scene." I've never been with anyonewho is. I don't want anything 24/7. I have my ownlife. But I want my playtime. Vanilla isn't enough. Ataste for control games grew into a taste for roughsex, and I don't know what that's become. I'msubmissive. I'm not into degradation. I get off onpower play and fear and some pain. I don't know mylimits.I am definitely afraid of meeting strangers. I'm notthe girl you're looking for: I don't haveclearly-defined boundaries yet, except thatwatersports are off-limits. I don't want to wind up inthe hands of someone clueless or psychotic. I'm a small woman trying not to become a statistic.Do you have any advice?--L
L
Indeed I have advice. Perhaps I have some answers...
I don't know what a purist is. I'm not fond of labels and try my best to avoid them. This stems from my position of not agreeing to have others define me.
I avoid any woman who doesn't have questions, is fearless in meeting and doesn't ask (communicate) what it is she wants. I believe in safety (mine and the bottom's) and a partner who doesn't communicate what she seeks (if only in general terms) and her limits places herself in danger and in turn places me in danger. I must have safety and that begins with the bottom's well being. If she doesn't care about herself, she'll not care about my safety. I like to think I am good, but I do know I am not clarvoyant. Were I prescient, I'd have won the lottery by now.
Ask questions, define what it is you want and ask for it. If your potential partner is not agreeable, move on. This is as much about you as it is about them. The relationship is symbiotic and must supply each what they need and a balance maintained.
I do not want 24/7. My reasons are simple. It is too much work and I prefer intelligence, a partnership if you will, that is in part based upon what's above the shoulders.
I dialogue with someone who is intelligent and can say "no!" when it comes to what she doesn't want.
I am not "in the lifestyle" per se. There was a time I was "out" and an activist but that was a while ago. I am a professional (an attorney-please don't hold that against me) and somewhat of a public persona.
What are you looking for?
The only other advice is weigh carefully what I say or what others may say. The internet has resulted in a large number of clueless "experts."
I hope I hear from you again. Whatever you do, play safe.
B
B,
Thank you for your reply. Your candid, direct opinions are interesting and a bit of a relief.You talked about communication and the importance ofyour partner knowing what she wanted and didnt want.My immediate question: how does a sub avoid what shereally doesn't want without, well, being in charge? How do you handle that? I have never had anal sex. I've never been with anyonewho cared enough to work at it.
L
L
If candid means truthful, I am always candid and truthful. Bear in mind however, that they are opinions and I feel they have some validity. I have been doing this for a while and are based on experience and being "out" in the scene.
As to what a sub wants or doesn't want...let me try to use you as an example. You have said you are not interested in "Golden Showers." That to me is a hard limit. That means, we would never engage in that activity unless at some point you were to say that you wanted to experience it. I would respect you, your choices and never engage in that activity. Your communication of a hard limit is part of the communication paradigm. Trust exsts and builds over time, in part on my respecting your communication and never breaching that boundary. Those are the easy ones.
The real question, since you haven't done this, is: "What about the stuff I don't know about?"
The answer in part is exploration. Let's say spanking is ok e.g. not a hard limit for you. That to me means two things-what are your hard limits within spanking? Communication enters in again. Do you want pain? Is redness ok? Are temporary marks ok? Do you want to be spanked to tears? Is the spanking part of the pain pleasure equation (personally I prefer the two combined)? Do you seek spanking for punishment purposes? Do you seek spanking to satisfy some masochistic yearnings? Do you seek spanking as a validation of my control over you? In part, all the acceptable practices become a play within a play.
Let's say we do that communication and spankings are something you want to experience. My role, again based on the trust you impart to me, is to spank you in such a way as to make the spanking activity real for you. If you want pain, you will receive it. The skill of a good top is to put you on the edge, keep you on that tightrope where i bring you to your limits, keep you balanced there and not push you over the edge. You'll have of course a safe word if it becomes too intense. Having said that however, the trick I master is to put that safe word on your lips and never have you utter it. That is a skill a really good top has (I am a really good top) and it creates the tension within you.
By the way, it is damn hard to do. I need to always be sensitive to where you are. You're (we all are) in a different place every day. What may be a mild spanking in one encounter, may be off the charts the next time we meet. You have stuff in your life, you're in good or bad places depending on work, health, hormones whatever. My skill is to be in touch with you and where you are within a scene and keep you on that edge. Does that help?
I know it may be clinical, but I do prefer a questionnaire approach. I'm sure you've seen these questionnaires, but if not I'd be happy to send you one. It is invaluable as a tool for communication.
Ultimately, you are in charge. You can always end a scene with the safe word. my experince is that bottoms fight never to use the safe word-not because they'd disappoint me, but rather in failing themselves. Bear in mind there is a lot of multi tasking going on in a scene.
What "type" do I seek? I seek intelligence and maturity. Intelligence is not measured by education nor is maturity measured by age. Clearly you're intelligent. It also seems to me that you are mature as measured by your questions. Physical is of minor importance. No health problems is first-physical or psychological. No heart problems-breathing problems etc. I once met a bottom who claimed no health problems (again the safety issue) but early into a mild scene was short of breath etc. I ended the scene and after some questioning the bottom admitted to heart problems. Needless to say, she wasn't honest, didn't communicate, violated her obligations to me and we never scened again. Other than that, mordbid obesity is out. Joint problems I can always work around.
I'd rather work with someone inexperienced. There is so much more to explore, so much more to work with and there is the joy of watching someone on their voyage of self discovery.
As to anal sex...it is something (like all activities) that you work with and into.One finger before two. Two fingers before my penis. A small plug before a medium plugs. It is about growth, exploration and movement. bear in mind I am of only average endowment. I'm six inches-maybe 6 and 1/2 on a good day LOL! I'll not gag you nor stretch you beyond your ability to accept my cock anywhere.
B
B
Interesting. May I ask some questions?1. You asked V. if she wanted to be sodomized by you.What would you have done had she said no, or that shedidn't know?2. I've read several first-time stories. The sub is always trembling to please and instantly orgasmic. Ican't see myself in these women. I don't give myself up easily and like to be dominated. Then I can let goand become submissive. I feel very different when I'mlike that, and I don't get there just by taking off myclothes. I'm also slow to orgasm, especially with anew partner. The result is that these first-time stories are making me uneasy and a bit insecure. Is V.the ideal or the norm? Are other women like me?Thanks.--L
L
Ask me anything.
Had she said no, I would not sodomize her. I would simply respect her hard limit.
Had she said I don't know-my response would have been-we'll see. Explore her anus, some stroking-lotsa lube-my pinkie finger pressing in to gauge her responses. A journey of exploration always measured by her tolerance and verbal and non-verbal acceptance of what's going on.
If yes was more than she could handle, I'd stop and re-visit at another time. Talked about it after the scene ended. Debriefing is always important.
You havent read all, I have so much more to write. That you don't give up easily is alluring. Honest Tops don't top doormats. We seek to dominate. This is about "taking" you not you simply spreading your legs. V is V. V is not you.
There are many like V. There are many like you. Many bottoms have insecurities-hell I have my own insecurities. I recognize your insecurity and prefer to promote your self awareness and your ability to grow and overcome your insecurity. This is not about breaking you-it is about mentoring and assisting you in overcoming your own demons.
I prefer a woman who does orgasm-it makes the trip so much more meaningful and enjoyable. Besides my orgasms move forward at the speed of a glacier. Do you have the stamina?
B,This is so trite, but it's bugging me: are youclean-shaven or do you have facial hair? My mind keepsputting a face on you, however impossible that is, andI really want to know.I wouldn't ask for personal information without givingany in exchange: I'm a natural redhead.curious,--d
p.s. At some point I may have to send you a picture. Fantasies must be happening-might be nice to put a face on them.L.
Currently I am clean shaven. In the past I've had a beard or a Zapata type mustache, but currently I am w/o facial hair.
Red heads have always been so alluring to me.I lost my oral virginity to a natural red head-one of my most memorable sexual encounters-perhaps because of my young age or perhaps because it was the first time for both of us-regardless I've always loved red haired womyn.
Red heads tend to have fair skin-do you bruise easily?
B
L.
What do you do with someone who feels compelled tofight, who wants to be subdued?
I subdue them...
There is of course the old SSC dictum. In your case, signal clearly your consent and I proceed to subjugation. Fight all you want against the subjugation, the rougher the better, but resistance ultimately is futile-the ropes or the leather restraints-this is about control-the power exchange and my dominion over you and your will and your body.
Your freedom resides in your lack of control. Once you're in my control, I'll force you to go into yourself and the recognition that you possess no control allows you the freedom to experience all the tactile and psychological sensations.
It works this way, signal your consent and the rest is up to me. Fight or don't fight-resist or acquiesce-regardless-you're in my power and control, the ying and yang of freedom in bondage. Quite honestly, I don't care a fig for your attempts to please me. My pleasure is found in my control over you-not your subservience. You'll perform-willingly or not.
L, it's about breaking the control I have on myself by taking it away from me. Indeed it is, sometimes great minds do think alike.
My first bottom was a lesbian (later it turned out bisexual) who had never experienced an orgasm. Intelligent-on staff at Harvard Med-totally compartmentalized and woman always in control of all things. An activist in NOW-willful-an orthodox Jew-a virtual pro type for the woman in control.
She consented-gave up control and found the freedom you're talking about.I will write about her at length in the blog-but I share this with you if only to let you know I have a sense of what you're talking about-that tension within you if you will. In some ways I became her shrink (she already had two both of which she played one against the other) and we both experienced many personal epiphanies as a result of the relationship.
Needless to say she experienced her first of many orgasms and reached the point of becoming multi orgasmic (I've yet to find the woman who resist either my tongue or an eroscillator) and became a slut for orgasms. Despite having the control taken from her-she fought every second in every way ot re-establish control.
If nothing else, please understand you're not alone in this desire or search. You are unique-the conundrum you're dealing with is not.
B
B,I stayed in tonight to think about and answer youre-mail. How do you like them apples?Another interesting message. I like yourself-confidence. I like your honesty ("... it is damnhard to do"). I have to ask: what do you get out ofit? From everything I know so far, and not just fromyou, being a good top is hard work. Why do you do it?Why do you love it?You're right; I do have some hard limits. But whileglancing over a checklist, I noticed that some of myreplies would be question marks or maybes. So littlehas been done to me. How can I know my limits?You used spanking as an example. It's not a no for meat all, but my only experiences have been playing withvanilla types trying kinky for the evening, if youfollow me. I don't know how much I can take. I knowthat a man once cracked me one with a belt much harderthan he intended and my knees buckled; for a moment myvision darkened and I thought I would pass out. Whenmy eyes cleared, my head was just... somewhere else.Wow. So apparently that works. I don't know why,though.What do you do with all those question marks and allthose maybes?I'm interested to note that joint problems get theirown category. You must have met a lot of people withjoint problems. I'm another.
It's nothing I can't workaround.
It's nothing I can't work around.thoughtful,--L
My Messenger says you're still online, but I imagineyou've gone on to whatever you need to do beforetomorrow morning, including sleep. Something must bewrong with Messenger. It's a shame. I was enjoying ourconversation.This was a particularly hot message. The idea of a mantaking me down not in anger but as a means to an end,not caring how I feel about it, gives me a chill, andfear, as I've mentioned, turns me on. Are you willingto ignore words like no and only stop a scene onhearing a safeword?
Of course. Only the safe word stops the scene. Bear in mind however, that once you use the safe word, the scene stops totally. You can't use a safe word to take a break and then restart the scene. There are reasons for that.
1. It breaks the flow, the momentum and the space we're in
2. If you can escape at any time and then think you can start again, it puts you too much in control.
3. It forces you to go into you-push your limits-go further at times than you think you can.
How rough do you play?
How rough do you want me to be? Again-communicate-define your limits. Remember also what I said before, I am the top-I am experienced. It is about the edge. Rougher than you think you can handle but never rougher than you can handle. And always-never rougher than will cause harm. That's my role-remember?Before Yahoo so rudely cut us off, we talked aboutsomething you said: "You'll perform-willingly or not."I'm still curious about what constitutes performing.
You spoke about the gag reflex-you'll struggle but not gag. You may think you won't ever catch your breath but you will. I insure that you do. You're questions indicate a fear that you'll be able to do what I direct. Reluctance will be met with the judicious application of pain and or fear. The fear, the fear of failure, the fear of pain the fear of the consequences will push you to perform and succeed.
What would I do, aside from what we already discussed?
That requires so much more communication. You never responded to the questionnaire. There is much to explore and discuss there. medical scenes-strict bondage-enemas-sounds-forced repeated orgasms-clamps-I could go on and on.And what we already discussed scares me,
It is supposed to scare you-if it didn't it would be meaningless.
although ofcourse I knew it was coming (oh, I'm funny when I'mscared). It would be an issue with any top. My mouthis small and my gag reflex ferocious.
Remember I am not hung like a horse. I control the depth of penetration-the speed. I may force you to simply adore my cock-lick it-keep just the head in your mouth-have you digitally massage my prostate-train you in oral sodomy way beyond what you have done in the past. If I desire 60 minutes of you sucking-licking and stroking-it'll be 60 minutes. Perhaps I want to get off in 10 minutes. You can do anything you like-if you fail-you'll be spanked or whipped for 10 minutes. Perhaps an ice cold shower as punishment. The variations are endless.
You'll clean it up...after you've been forced to lie in. I have the control-not you-remember?No, seriously. The gag reflex is called a reflex for areason.
Indeed.I'm afraid. Not just of failure, but of suffocation,of injury or death.
Me too-which is exactly why that would never happen. You'll recall that I'm not safe if you're not safe. I am not a serial killer and place your safety as is the first and only priority. I want a bottom with limits-remember. I was with a bottom once who had no limits. She scared the merde out of me. I had to walk away-she wanted to go far further than I could go and had no regard for safety. Thanks but no thanks. I have also chastised other tops for putting their bottoms in situations that compromised the bottoms safety.
This is my face, my mouth andnose, in question. Please tell me about silent signalsfrom a bound person.
We pre-establish silent hand signals-plus I am always checking in on you-asking-probing if you're ok.
Every bottom I have ever been with becomes proficient to their level of capability. It is about you-growth etc. Not ever person can run a mile in under 4 minutes. it is about being the best that you can be.You may start with a snowplow put will progress to black diamond slopes and moguls.
Crawl before you walk-walk before you run etc.
Please remember that I'm not unwilling to learn.You'll force me to go into myself. An interestingphrase.Is it safe to assume that tears don't bother you?
Not at all. I cam lick them away or laugh at them or hold you in my arms so you feel nothing else matters because you're surrounded by my strength and comfort. Loving domination is not an oxymoron.
And I have to admit that I Googled "eroscillator."
It will render you multi orgasmic.
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